Hello everyone!
I had a really not great week. To put it simply and truthfully. It is Sunday June 19th as I write this. I will walk you through what happened, and more importantly the evolution of my soul over the course of this challenging time.
Life was pretty normal. I mean, I don't really have a normal because of the nature of the lifestyle I have chosen, mainly meaning I don't have a 9 to 5 job, and every day of my life
is always different, but of course there are the routine things I do as best I can. Everybody has "routine" even if they have wildly different days. There are some staples, even if its just brushing your teeth. I have more than that, depending on time, but beyond that my days are truly not like one another. And I do love this.
Anyway, life was 'normal' at least in the since is there is nothing I would deem as MAJOR DRASTIC life change. Yes this past month has been a tremendous increase of stress (more on that later).
Monday: I went to my acting class during the day. It was great, it was my first time doing a scene reading with someone on camera for an audition practice. I learned a lot! I actually had the night off for rehearsal, so I went to the gym to practice my choreography anyway because it is my responsibility to show up knowing it as best as I can. Unfortunately I can't remember too many details for the rest of that evening, including what time I went to bed. But I do know I woke up at 3:30 AM. Unusual.. I thought but just got up to go to the bathroom and drink water and assumed I would fall asleep.
WRONG.
By about 5 AM I was pretty anxious and mad. I had not touched social media, or turned on lights. I thought I would try a guided sleep meditation. So I listened to that, and I guess it put me half asleep because the next thing I knew I was experiencing basically sleep paralysis. I shall not go into details but it was horrifying and I hated it.
Tuesday: There wasn't anything I could do at that point, so I think I laid on my couch from 6-7:30 AM trying to sleep. Eventually moved on with my day, did work calls, I don't know I was just out of it. I had lots of work calls Tuesday evening, and I made sure to be active and get in the sun to get my body in tune with the sun rhythm. I'm so tired I thought, I'm gonna sleep so good tonight. I go to bed at, I don't know I guess around 11 ISH.
All of the sudden, I am awake. I check the time and it is 3:17AM.
WHAT?!?!?!!!!!
I was mad. very very very mad. I was so tired. And I was in bed. So why wouldn't. my body sleep. Furious. This time I went straight and got a snack and thought maybe I'd fall asleep faster that way. There I lay, not falling asleep. At 5 AM I go to my knees and plead and beg with God, please oh please, PALEAAASSE let me go back to sleep. I cannot function without sleep, I am doing the best I can, why am I not sleeping. Please please please just let me go to sleep please.
This time I did mostly fall back to sleep, awoke at 7:30 ish. Thank you.
Though I had caught up a LITTLE on sleep, I was still way out of it and my body could feel I didn't get adequate sleep. This is not just everyday tiredness this was next level.
Wednesday: I. And went about my day. On Wednesday night, I wasn't called to rehearsal unti 9:00 PM, so naturally I went to an adult Jazz dance class from 7:00-8:00 at Orlando City Ballet. (If I was already gonna be dancing I might as well dance the whole night. ) Was my thought process. When in reality, where was this coming from? Was this choice coming from a place of caring for myself and supporting myself, or was it coming from a place of not-enoughness and self punishment? I don't know! (more later on that).
Then I drove all the way to rehearsal in which when I arrived they said they made a mistake and didn't need my group that night. Well I stayed for 30 minutes and went in the other room to practice more dance. Then I drove home. Around midnight or so, I went to bed. Then I woke up at 3:30. This time at 5AM I thought I would try something called yoga nidra which essentially puts you to bed. So I did it, and then had nightmares again.
I learned that sleep meditation and yoga nidra and stuff like that really do put you in a different state, but I guess that is also the state where you are not fully asleep so that is why I had the scary stuff happen.
Thursday: At this point it is 8 AM on Thursday and I've been up since 3:30. Considered calling out and not teaching my voice lessons but I still did. This time I did something different. I drove to Walgreens first thing Wednesday morning to get my ammunition. I felt like I was in battle. Battle with myself. Battle with my body. I was so sick of waking up and not sleeping, when I was tired, that I was willing to take something that would be stronger than melatonin just to have a night of uninterrupted sleep. So I bought a sleeping aid pill that was not melatonin because I tried that before and it didn't work.
I was at least a little relaxed because I knew there was no way I wouldn't sleep tonight with three nights of no sleep plus a sleeping pill. So Thursday night I go to bed.
And you guessed it. Somehow.
Someway.
Some miraculous way, I was woken up in the middle of the night.
Not going to lie, it felt different this time. I could feel the sleeping pill. I think this is how people feel when they wake up from surgery. If you feel mostly dead combined with being hit by a truck and little awareness but no energy or strength, and like your body is very very heavy, than that was it. This time though, I refused to look at a clock. Because I just knew if it said 3:00 something it was gonna make me flip the table. So I got up and went to the bathroom, and went back to bed.
I did fall back asleep!! (yay Walgreens!) I am certain the drug did it.
Friday:
My Friday schedule was packed. Work calls, voice lessons, all of it. I even was TAKING. voice lesson that day. An hour lesson. My teacher is a singer in a musical at Disney World and I really look forward to my lessons with him. I walked in and he asked how I was doing!
"I'm struggling." I said. And then summarized what had been happening along with my anger towards it. I am so mad because I am so busy and active and eat healthy and meditate before bed and I should be sleeping good. Why is my body doing this. I am so mad . So So mad.
He was very sympathetic, and amazing at listening. I fully recognize I probably complained so much this week because that's what happens when I don't sleep.
He said, very thoughtfully: "Could it be possible that you're doing too much?" Because I had made my case that I should be sleeping good because of how busy and active I was. But at the same time I knew very well he was right and I wasn't defensive to this idea.
"Yes absolutely. That is very possible because that is my chronic pattern".
He offered me some wise wisdom that I will cherish deeply. Because it is the attitude that can be applied to anything. He said, "What if you go to bed, fully accepting that you might wake up in the middle of the night. And then when you do wake up just say "hey we are awake. Maybe grab a snack , have some chamomile tea, ya know maybe have the tea already in the microwave and just have some tea time at 3 AM. Why not? Why not just have a lovely tea time with yourself at 3 AM instead of being mad."
Absolutely right. And exactly the kind of advice I think I'd give to someone else if they were complaining to me. He was a beautiful mirror for me that day. He said he has a very similar mindset as me and also is very goal driven. Loves achieving things. But he challenged me to watch just one 30 minute tv show because it is hard for me to do that! Truly it is.
It is hard for me to do something that has no outcome or purpose. Honestly even the good things I do for myself like yoga meditation or journaling I am doing them because they are good things to do. They are very different than doing something for literally no reason, and definitely not for the reason of becoming a better person.
I have greatly reflected and examined on what was causing this psychological subconscious stress and I know lots of events. May was terribly stressful with my moving situation, and then I started rehearsing for my musical which I quickly started criticizing myself for not being better the day we started learning dancing.
Although I have good desires, it is hard for me to not work harder, because I feel it is my duty to work as hard as I can. It is hard for me to believe I won't regret looking back and say "I could have worked harder". That is something I have control of avoiding and I don't want that. That is tragic to me.
But time and time again, I burn myself out.
It is a cycle of my life. Hustle, thrive, hustle , burn, forced to rest, feel like I'm being lazy, hustle, thrive, crash and burn, have to rest for even longer, and repeat.
And something else that goes in the cycle is, after the season of resting, I truly do get mad at myself even for resting or taking it easy. The voice in my head says "I guess you don't really want it. You don't want it bad enough. You are making excuses". And that is the voice which prompts me to "run faster than I can walk"
“Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end” D&C 10:4 f
or it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. Mosiah 4:27
Then I guess the question here is, is it is my strength I have to accept. If I am running faster than I have strength, I thought pushing myself is the way to get stronger. But then I feel it leads to burning.
I do not have wrapped up conclusion here or anything, this is merely just my journey. A middle season. A reflection. The end of a week as I actually can feel spiritually because of my commitment to chill more and stop being a maniac, I will sleep through the night again.
Until next time! What I learned is:
People were actually really friendly and sympathetic listening to me complain about my sleep issues
I actually am stronger than I think I am, and the days I was wicked tired I maintained a positive inner strength that in the past I would have let wreck me.
So I guess I actually did get stronger through all this, would you look at that.
Love
Annie
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