So here's the thing with writing. Lately I was reminded of the power that can come from writing...it was a podcast someone articulated it like saying when you write, you begin to understand your mind yourself. It reminded me of having that experience. After going after trying to get something on paper for long enough, you get better and better and coming closer to what it is. Sometimes it just takes so dang long. I don't even know what I want to write about. I feel like in general I used to write more. I don't know why or why I have less. But I have to start somewhere so I am starting with this post. I figured since I already have a platform on this Wix site I may as well keep it here. I can get distracted with shiny new things like somenoe else. But also very aware that if I was to spend time finding a new perfect blog site all that really would be doing would be procrastinating what I need to do. It's the resisiting.
Even my acting for example. I have a callback tomorrow for a student film at UCF and I am writing this on a Sunday. I've really not had a lot going on today. But somehow procrastinated doing my scene homework until the end of the evening on Sunday. It is so dang hard to just start sometimes!! GAH why. Why are we master procrastinators. The thing that puzzels me is I LIKE acting. Nobody made me audition for this. Nobody is making me go to the callback. I have power to prepare as best I can and I still sometimes don't.
Being a human is so hard because of our automatic mechanisms that run and run. The things I want to develop through this writing is gaining more clarity on A) just my voice and what it is I have to say. I think a good way to know what I have to say is by writing it. So maybe I will look up some good writing prompts to get me going. B) Another thing on my mind has been creating a product like a necklace, mug, spa material, spoon for ITM and to offer it to the citizens of earth. I sense that is something that will be. But to be honest I always thought a brand and business would come together so much easier. The thing is I am not saying it shouldn't be hard work but like honestly why is it that some things you don't even TRY for just happen, and other things you force and wish for so badly don't? What is that about? You know what I'm gonna make a list right now and see what I notice.
List One: Instances, serendipitous times, wins that seemed to just happen out of no where, almost like magic.
List Two: Things I think I wanted so bad and worked and forced and try so dang hard to make happen.
List One:
Moving to Florida. Crazy as that sounds cause moving always comes with stress...I posted in a ward FB group in Orlando and just asked if there was anyone looking for roommates, one thing led to another and a girl in my church found a house with another Disney performer needing new roommates, right by Magic Kingdom, it was affordable, it was available, it was beyond a better scenario then I could have hoped for. I honestly can't even believe that happened. The biggest reason people don't move I think is they are trying to know exactly how everything is gonna be.
When my cousins came down to Florida last year and saw me in my gig at Sea World, and spending the vacation with them. It was pretty last minute, things worked out, we all were happy to be there, I got them in for free, so many good things.
The first time I called a Double Tree in Oahu and they said they would give me the discount for posting on social media. I was so delighted because I couldn't believe they said yes.
OHH lately I did some Discovery Cove and Sea World photo shoots. The strange thing is that didn't happen from an audition it happened cause someone in my ward works for marketing at Sea World.
My acting for film class is my FAVORITE. This is huge because did I move to Florida looking for an acting for film class? not at all. Just Disney was on my mind. I have been avoiding taking acting classes pretty much since college. I stuck with singing and dance training but I could not get myself to act. And I just was pulled to it and decided to try it. I love it so much, I love my teacher, and I have always loved my class mates. Also, I don't and never did have expectations with it. I signed up fully knowing I was gonna be awkward and not feel confident. And I already feel so much better a few months later.
LIST 2
I feel a huge wall come up as I begin to type this. I don't want to because it feels painful and defeating to say. The sensation I feel in my body is a tight jaw and pit in my stomach.
Reasons being because so much of what I have tried SO hard at this year has been singing. It PAINS me to think of how I have pursued voice lessons and continued investing even though my voice has not been working as it used to, all because this part of me believes SOOOO badly that if. Ijust really never give up I will get better. There is parts to this that I admire, and is true. Because the part of me that wants to get better for my own personal satisfaction, that feels clean energy. The part of me that wants to get better 'so that I can get the part'. That feels draining.
Dancing. Again same thing. When I go out of forcing and because 'maybe i'll be good enough if I go to another class', it isn't fun. When I just go to the classes I want to go to, my heart is fulfilled.
Freaking auditions and callbacks for Universal and Disney. The video audition era since covid has just not been the most fun. I have submitted dozens upon dozens of them since 2019.
Strength training!! This one sucks too because at one point it WASN'T a struggle. It wasn't fatiguing me like it has this year. The time when I felt the BEST was when I was just doing yoga and dance. But I want so bad to be stronger so I keep trying to add in strength training. It leaves me very tired for even a few days. And I don't like that.
Thats' all for now..more on this later.
Comments