Is your presence. Not any presents!
When Someone is Venting To You-Try This
~We need less SOLUTIONS and more LISTENING~
It seems obvious when it’s stated, but everyone wants to be heard. We *know* this, yet our life is busy and minds our over stimulated, we forget to check in with ourselves. Because we don’t check in with ourselves, we can’t fully be present with others, and then this cycle justs continues of nobody fulling being heard. Now there’s just a bunch of humans walking around this planet with unvalidated feelings. We have lost this art, or skill, or characteristic, practice, way of being, of LISTENING and sharing emotions. Some are not even comfortable feeling their feelings, so when those who are get brave enough to share their emotions, the chances of being able to share with a good listner is hard! and we have not all been taught about this. In fact we are just copying our culture--no on is to blame.
If you want to make a difference in someone’s life, you just need to listen. Now it’s not as easy as it sounds or there would be a whole lot less people in therapy. (Disclaimer-this is not a negative comment about therapy, ironically, and maybe because of our culture’s lack of listening skills, I think therapy should be required for everyone!)
It starts with hearing yourself. Acknowledging yourself, IN YOUR FULLNESS-not as a passing thought. This will be the foundation for you being able to serve more, create deeper relationships, and have a greater impact on more lives because you’ll always be seeking a little bit of what you’re craving to be acknowledged for by the other person who is sharing with you, so long as you haven’t acknowledged yourself. Therefore you can not be there for the person in the way you ideally would like to.
If you’re waiting for your magic person to show up in your life and listen to you, then I hope you enjoy watching the hands on your watch tick. On the other hand, just go find your closest mirror and BAM there’s your magic person! Nobody is perfect at acknowledging themselves and showing up for themselves first, I can tell you that in the moments when you HAVE felt truly heard. When you just spoke and the other person had 100% attention on you and your words, and their presence was the most evident thing in the room, there is absolutely no way that person would be able to be present for you if they were not in a more or less stable and assured state with themself. Obvious? Maybe. But think about it. Why do you think you can be there for someone if you’re drowning with your own heartaches, fears, disappointments, traumas, and even celebrations, accomplishments, achievements, and miracles?!
Look, this is not about making sure your hair is blow dried and you have your lipstick perfect, you took a bubble bath and got a massage, did meditation, went running, read your book, made dinner for your family and THEN you can listen. No, if that’s where your mind has taken you then scratch that. Scribble over that idea, that is not what I am suggesting. I’m not saying WAIT until the perfect moment to listen, WAIT until you feel 100% in yourself, WAIT until you completed a 30 day challenge...I’m saying
You DO have to be honest with yourself about your own feelings
You CAN listen to someone else now that you are aware of this.
It’s a practice you can start today with yourself and with other people.
It goes like this.
The next person who talks to you, you drop EVERYTHING and look into their eyes. You feel your feet in the ground or your sit bones on the chair and just look at them, this other beautiful soul who is on the planet as the same time as you, who has chosen to say something to you for one reason or another. Give them all the focus they deserve. As they are speaking, try to turn off your brain that is thinking of a response. Just listen. Fully hear what they are saying. Be careful not to make assumptions, but the more you slow down you will begin to see what is underneath what they are saying, or what their true motive is. It’s actually really fun, and you are in a new sort of power when you adopt this practice. When you’re standing as the observer, then you can stand and listen to someone screaming at you without getting emotionally involved yourself. You just witness another human, another soul on this earth who is choosing to scream, clearly experiencing hurt. Compassion is needed here more than ever.
These 4 Keys are things you can start implementing today to becoming a better listener. Now some of them may seem obvious and some of them may seem contradictory to ‘being a better listener’ so have an open mind.
Get Curious
Be Interested
Don’t offer a solution
Assume they want to talk about it
Often times if a friend comes to us venting, or a sibling complains about a coworker, by the tone of their voice you can see their anxiety so you do the best thing you can think of, your brain notes ‘Wow they have this problem.’ And then your brain may start to think of solutions they could try. “Well have you tried this?” “You should definitely do this” “Next time do this and see what happens”. Then there is some moderate agreement from the other person, and then they continue to essentially repeat their story expressing what their coworker did.
And it cycles.
The cycle doesn’t end because nothing shifted.
NOTHING SHIFTED
Nothing shifted because that person was never heard.
Why? Listening brings healing. More than anything. You know the quote “You haven’t lived until you’ve given something that no one can repay you for”. Well when you are truly heard, a shift occurs. When you tell your story and don’t feel heard, you likely don’t feel any better- in fact you may feel worse.
If you want to give someone a gift they can never repay you for than you just have to listen. That’s it.
In Tara Moh’rs book Playing Big she suggests we change the model of
Hear...speak...hear...speak...hear...speak...hear...speak…
To
Listen...ask...listen...ask...Listen...ask...listen...ask…
As smart as you are, 99% of the time in the INITIAL part of someone venting, they are not at all interested in your solution.
They just want someone to agree with them about how awful the situation is, or how exciting it is, or how scary it is, or how funny it is. They also don’t need to hear how you went through the exact same situation. Because to them, you didn’t. And either way you don’t know exactly how they feel. And maybe it doesn’t matter!
What matter’s is you are INTERESTED in how they feel. Interested. BE CURIOUS.
They want validation for their feelings.
-Be ridiculously curious about what the other person is sharing. Have no intentions to bring the conversation to what happened to you. Be curious about every detail. Ask questions about the details they haven't shared yet. If you sister tells you about an annoying customer, ask for more details about the customer. Ask your sister how she felt during the conversation.
-Don't try to fix their problem. There is a time and place for advice. But generally we all just want validation. Generally we know the right next step once we are able to calm down. Bring the acknowledgment back to their feeling, and cultivate deep compassion for this person.
-Again, because of the society we live in, there is this silent rule that we are always bugging people. So sometimes when people do share, they assume the other person is bored or busy (probably because we act bored or busy). BUT YOU CAN CHANGE THIS! The next time someone talks to you...just don't be bored or busy. Because in that moment nothing is more important than that soul anyway.."Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved". This one may take a while, but you and the other person will notice a shift in energy when they can tell you are in it for the long haul. You establish this trust simply by asking questions in return. Keep asking more questions about it. Just assume that they are only telling you a paragraph of a novel, and assume they really want to tell you the novel.
XOXOXOXO
Annie
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