I don't know what the root is yet, or if there is a root but there is something innately deep in my core about me that wants so badly to always do the "right" thing. I don't want to get all philosophical about good and bad right and wrong, this is not what I am talking about.
Ya know the movie Inside Out, how they have core memories? Well I feel like I latched onto a core belief as a child that: there is one right and best way and choice.
Now might seem like no big deal on the surface, but do you see how it could be dangerous? Because if I am living my life believing there is always a RIGHT choice, it makes it pretty dang hard to go around living when life is a sum of the choices we make. Do you know how much pressure that is to cary? It's like...a lot I'll tell ya. Because if I need to get a hair cut, then I have this voice in my head that gives me this vague. message that somewhere in the valley, there is one ultimate best hair stylist and they are above all the other stylists and they give the best of the best haircuts and I should find them. And then I spend an embarrassing amount of hours on Yelp. and Google Reviews.
I will say as I have been aware of this tendency for a few years now I have gotten better. But I still do it sometimes. The cure is to just make decisions faster even if it feels "reckless". And tell myself things like, whatever I choose is right...there is no BEST.
But it can feel plaguing. And it builds up emotionally. Because even if hypothetically there was a right decision to everything, I clearly couldn't make that choice every single time. So then that is caked on with a "why am I not better" energy, which is not helpful to nobody.
The only thing I like no for sure for sure
is that you are the only one living in your body. You are the only one who can feel your heart. You are going to be sitting with yourself in a rocking chair when you're 95, and not all the people shouting opinions at you, you are the only one who will be living with your legacy.
Comments