So I'm going to Orlando in 5 days. I am auditioning for Voices of Liberty and Mickey's Royal Friendship Faire at Walt Disney World. Voices of Liberty is an a capella group in Epcot, and MRFF is the show that performs on the castle stage.
Lately I've been on a huge Disney kick. Not that it's particularly new, it is no surprise that I love and always have loved- been PASSIONATE about Disney. I always want to be moving forward. The fire in my soul is so big that if I am not moving towards something good I find I can be destructive both to myself and others. The main difference I notice with myself when I am tunnel vision focused on a goal is I am less social with other people, and it's easier for me to make decisions. Decisions on how to spend my time, what to eat, what to spend money on, my overall schedule. When I am committed to an outcome, then the steps aren't debatable. All these types of goals have been creative projects that to be honest have often been birthed out of a place of pain. Excitement too yes, but I noticed that sometimes they were created because I was so upset that I WASN'T using my creative power, that I went to the extreme to make a huge music video project, or put on a concert. Because of the opposition of doing so LITTLE of what fulfills me, I create the platform for myself.
Now there is a notion in life I want to figure out, and I feel I will be a lifelong student on the subject matter. The subject matter is something Steven Press field writes about.
RESISTANCE
It's this ridiculous stupid cycle that I can't figure out. Of seeing a show or hearing a song, or singing myself or dancing myself, I feel the feeling. I feel the feeling that says "I will do anything to be there!" But then I do the things like sign up for dance, take classes, and then I start to feel not good enough. And I have this feeling. The feeling feels like "nevermind". *shut down*
It's SOOOO weird. I feel like so much of my life has all this contradicting-ness. So what happens is when I get around other dancers and singers, SOMETIMES I have more fun and we act silly, but I have noticed often I want to leave because I am no longer standing out. Whereas when I am a singer with a bunch of non singers, then I get some sort of "points" for being a singer. But when I'm with other singers it FEELS like my talent is now devalued.
Writing that feels SILLY especially because it is the opposite of what I preach. But they say we teach what we need to learn right?
I don't know why. I know that my worth isn't determined by my talent. But I feel like I have something so special within me to express through music, and it hurts when I don't share it.
Also...there is something strange that is a theme with something big coming up. My nervous system is so aware of upcoming events that it changes what I am doing. Sometimes I am living my best life when I don't have something in sight. When I have something with a really close deadline, I am seeking for comfort so badly. I am kind of an anxious mess.
And then at the end of all this, comes the ultimate question. WHY? What is even the point? Like really, why? Some days feels more like it doesn't matter than others. I usually come back to some conclusion about why not? As in you have 100 years on this earth life anyway so you can either survive or be alive.
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