It's 2:20 on a Thursday afternoon. The fourth Thursday of quarantine to be exact. And I am feeling writing is going to be my only outlet to truly articulate and express what is going on. Because let's be honest, what is going on? I do not mean with the pandemic, but I mean inside. In my inside world, and in your inside world. There is a lot, so I think if I break it into categories it will help me. I need to discuss
Singing, Vocal Coaches, and Auditioning
My Current Thoughts on the Future
Being Productive vs. Resting
SINGING, VOCAL COACHES, AND AUDITIONING
So here is what is real. No this isn't new, but it always feels new when I "commit" to my performing goals. To help you get an insight into my world, I have loved singing my whole life. And in Jr. High and High School it's pretty much all I did. Particularly senior year of high school I started working with a new voice coach who really challenged me mentally and emotionally (not technically). He is the one who taught me to connect and not be a robot. The work I did with him was more like therapy, because what happens is as a performer it's really easy to put up a front/wall/mask and hide behind it when you perform. In order to let the real me be seen when I sang, I had to take down the front/wall/mask...which is why I say it was more like therapy.
Oooooooh the frustration was real. I remember as 18/19 year old Annie I would begin to feel furious inside because sometimes we would go a whole lesson without singing and I was thinking he was wasting my money. But the truth is he was just doing what I hired him to do. I said what my goals were, and he knew I would never reach my goals if I couldn't be honest with myself about certain things because it comes across as a performer. Acting is about telling the truth, even if it is "cheesy" or over the top.
So I have found myself looking up "best vocal coaches in New York and LA" because I must seem to think that's where the best of the best reside. And I wanted to know who was training the stars. Because obviously they have the ear and skill to pull out what needs to happen. What's interesting is, my back and forthness with lessons. Though I never really "stopped" singing, and I definitely didn't quit. I could never quit singing, I mean this literally when I say singing is breathing to me. So no I never quit, but I did change my visions, and when your vision changes your actions change.
Somewhere in between being a teen and 23 years old, the vision slowly started going from Broadway Performer, to Motivational Speaker and Singer, to Retreat Holder, to Life Coach. You can see singing and performing is still tied up in that, but it's a lilllll different then just be a professional musical theatre actress. There are reasons this changed. One was because there is a tedious part of musical theatre I strongly disliked and grew angry. I didn't believe I was supposed to feel angry in the process because nobody was making me do this. And nobody cared if I did or didn't do it, so if I wasn't feeling happy why should I do it? Another reason was, I started getting very into entrepreneur social media marketing, life coaching, motivational speaking, and really just feeling totally belonging to this "remote location" lifestyle idea. I am still getting to know myself but one thing I know FOR SURE is that I do not want a boss, I hate having a boss, I will not life my life clocking in, it feels gut wrenchingly wrong to me, I wasn't made for it, I am a worse person when I do that for no purpose. I know I get to be my own boss, have my own brand, and make a living sharing my gifts. So I wasn't quitting performing, but I thought that it would be a faster way to make money online to pursue the motivational speaking and coaching route. Because all the training I need for theatre costs money ya'll!
So I honestly just lost sight of the vision. You know what is weird? Is nobody I have talked to knows how I feel. Isn't that sort of strange? I can't expect someone to tell me what to do because they don't know how I feel. Because we all have different callings. What I am talking about is this very specific resistance feeling I get sometimes when I jump back in the musical theatre ocean. Or even think about dipping my toe in that ocean. I would feel this like "NOPE NOT GOING THERE I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT". But me being the internally reflective being that I am, has to question that. Can't just accept it...I gotta question if that is a cop out. Or a blanket to make me feel better for not having more success. Is that the truth? I don't know? Who can tell me? Nobody can tell me that's the answer. Because guess what, even if I went to 100 broadway actresses and described my feeling, and 100 motivational speakers and described my feelings...they still. would. not. know. what. my. experience. is. BECAUSE IT ISN'T THEIRS-IT'S MINE!
Buuuut here's what I know. I really have no idea what God has in store for me as a performer. I really don't. I know that I feel music on a deep cellular level that is a spiritual gift he gave me. I know he gave me my voice, and my zest, love for life, and obsession with key changes. But I do not know what for. I also know that if I don't keep building my talent I will have some big time regrets when I'm a 50 year old women. Who wants a bitter 50 year old women? WHO? WE GET ONE LIFE.
The other thing I also know....and this is why this section made it as a section in this post, because of the amazing online workshops that have come due to the quarantine. I joined a group called Collectively Seeking Broadway, which is a 3 week course that is just like school. They even have a page on Canvas for it. Guest teachers, dance, singing and acting homework. I liked this idea because it was something to work on. So the first one was an actor from Newsies and he taught a dance to a song. This week was singing week, and we were given an audition cut...and guys I happened to LOVE the song. Like it did the thing for me that it did for 16 year old Annie who was goo goo eyed for Broadway. It 'woke me up' again. (My second great awakening...I had my first awakening last week with my Mary Poppins moment... )
Also this weekend was General Conference and I have really been focusing on personal revelation. As I look back on my life, it seems like personal revelation never seems like revelation in the moment to me. It is just the natural course of action I take when I am trying to be the best I can be. Because ideas come to me and I just act on them so fast. I email people, apply for things, think of songs, etc. I think that is personal revelation from Heavenly Father. ALSO I have been much more intentional about slowing down...I have been doing a mid day meditation with the moon cycles every day with Ezzie Spencer on instagram live and it has shifted me a lot.
Along with the Broadway group I am in, I have just been way involved and done some mad searching for online trainings. Turns out the Rockettes are offering classes! I have taken. ballet 3 times on instagram. I feel proud because that is discipline for me when I do not know what my future holds for dance. But being around this again excites me. All I know is I like progressing. I seem to not like the competition but I do like the feeling of working hard and trying my best. So that is why I decided to seek out a coach who would help me with my blocks.
So I have had two lessons with a teacher in Nashville (on Facetime) and she has been working with me on being as most authentic as possible. She says that always trumps anything else. Whatever song I connect to the most is the one I should do. Even just having two lessons with her, it reminded me the importance of having regular lessons. Because it forces me to prepare. I guess you could be taking lessons and not prepare, but I am not going to do that. I think it's a waste of your own money if you don't do work in between lessons. I told her I found a Disneyland Paris audition asking for a video submission coming up, and I was struggling finding a song. I had a lesson with her this morning, and would you believe that I found my audition song the hour before our lesson. Yep. It just proved to me that humans need deadlines. This was not her deadline. I just knew I could make better use of my time if I had found a song. I found two that would be good, and we picked one that particularly fit this audition.
I find it wonderful that I never stop auditioning for Disney. Even though I at times feel behind or un prepared, my soul is ready. I was born ready to perform there. And so I just keep trying. The difference is now instead of just thinking "Oh i'll just be me and they'll love me". Although in a way that is true...what is also true is that clearly the way I show up or come across in auditions is not reading. The real me, the essence I have is not being seen or I would have more callbacks by now. I am just being real.
Last night a few singers from Disneyland put on a virtual concert on Facebook. This one girl who I have been chatting with via Instagram has been so nice to me and she told me about it. As the singers were singing, they were quite amazing. Absolutely making sounds I can't exactly make yet. But also I wasn't jaw dropped at the performance, acting, connection. I mean that in the nicest way I an say it. I mean they are just as good as many people I saw perform in my college theatre class. Like there is just a certain level...let me explain it. Let's say the scale really only goes to 10. And Celine Dion is a 10 in regards to connecting to the song with every fiber of her being. Singing with her whole heart soul and body and being honest. Incredible broadway stars are a 9 or 10 and then a whooolllle lot of other really incredibly brilliantly talented people who make up the rest of the world's entertainment (National Tours, Disney, Broadway, Regional Theatre, TV) are a 7. And a 7 is like amazing. All I am saying is that I don't think that they are doing something that I can not do. I think it is a skill, and I just have to learn how to do it.
The truth is that I don't like to admit, is that I think I really do get discouraged more easily then I let on. But I pretend like I don't care and it doesn't matter, or that I am busy with other things. But I really do get highly discouraged when I am at an audition, and I hear the 10 girls before me belt their face off. And that's the moment that really matters that I do connect. I can be positive and smile and do my affirmations but after I hear people singing in a way I cannot...well it's pretty dang easy and tempting to think "why would I even try".
I don't know if I'll ever make the sound I am speaking of. Not because I wouldn't work hard, but the way one of my voice teachers explained it is using Michael Phelps as an example. His body is literally ideal for being a swimmer. That's just the way the proportions of his limbs are. My voice is simply built for a certain sound, and other singers for another sound. It doesn't mean I can't study and work hard, but I cannot be the best at something I am not.
I don't know what my life will look like and nobody does I suppose. So I am just doing what I feel is the step for me right now. When I am taking singing lessons, I at least feel like I am progressing. It's easier to take lessons when I have a goal. But I want to stop flip flopping. I want to stop just cramming in lessons when I find an audition. Or go to ballet every day for a month before one audition. It doesn't work and it's not helpful.
What will be helpful is if I always prepare like my dream audition is just around the river bend.
I emailed a Broadway actress (star is a better term) and asked if she did coaching due to what is going on. I told her what I struggled with and she said she was an expert at helping students with exactly what I said- connecting to the honest parts of them and get out of their head, and she specialized in getting actors booked. And as of now that is my goal. I want to be a singer at Disneyland. That is my goal. It is no secret to anyone. Really I want to be in a fun uptempo show with an amazingly kind and talented cast and have fun every day.
MY CURRENT THOUGHTS ON THE FUTURE
Well...being in quarantine and not having some of my jobs has been awesome and hard. The family I nannied for no longer has me come. I understand. All I have been doing for income is moved my voice students to online. I actually got some new students right at the pivot, but also lost some due to their restrictions. I also have been doing online sales calls for an online personal trainer, but that is just on and off when she launches the start of a new program. I am so lucky to have that though!! I have got money from that, which felt like "extra" but now it is just part of baseline for me.
The future...hard to plan! Might I say impossible? I just want to ask people questions...but nobody knows. This forces you to be more present I think. I want to buy a plane ticket to Kauai in August with my friend. Where will I be? I don't know. In January I decided I should move to California in Summer/Fall to work at Downtown Disney while I audition. But Downtown Disney isn't even open now. It seems like things will be open in the summer but nobody can promise. I had planned to be making more money online by now as well. Now my mind circles back to what it normally does...starts looking for an adventure. Yes moving back to Hawaii has crossed my mind many times. But does that help me move closer to my goal of being a singer? No.
See, it seems like I say I want something, then don't let it happen. The question is is this sabotaging or is this a sign it's not what I want? I don't think wanting something should be so complicated. Well, there is a truth to something about it not being what I love. I funnily enough am not crazy about putting on makeup night after night and performing, but that also is because I have rarely actually had a part I LOVED where I got to sing from my heart. When I am in the zone performing in the spotlight, there is nothing better in the world. Not because people are watching me, I 100% mean this-it just feels like who I am. I feel like me when I can be expressive on stage. And being an ensemble member sometimes limits you do being expressive. And that's what I loved about this world in the first place.
So right now, I am trying to be diligent in keeping a focus. I could go nanny in Australia. I could go do an internship in Hawaii. Nothing is wrong with either. But the thing that is undeniable in my soul is that I have a gift with music. My favorite favorite thing in the whole world is learning choreography and dancing in sync with other people, while singing. And also singing when my voice feels really good. Singing with no limits and no care of what is right or what people will think.
But now I am starting to think maybe I should find some sort of online job that is boring. I guess I don't need that attitude, I could say "I find a way to make money online that is fun and fulfilling". That would be a more helpful statement! I can do more teaching English online through Cambly. That is what I have done some of. If you want to join, leave me a comment so you can sign up with my code.
I think it's weird because I am 24. I am done with school. I just found out today that I did not get accepted to California's Disney College Program in the Fall. I thought it would be a cool way to move me down there, but really what I think is it's good because it is leaving open an opportunity to book a gig. I may even be performing in the Christmas show in Disneyland Paris in October anyway!!
It's just the other industries I like are tourism and hospitality...I love being in hotels. Sometimes I think I really should work at a resort in Hawaii. It doesn't make sense though. What makes sense to think about is: "Who are the people you most feel like yourself around"? Without hesitation it was when I was at CAP21 in New York City. Those people speak my language. It's weird, sometimes I love being around theatre people and sometimes it drives me crazy. Because I have a very different opinion than a lot of them. But, I like that end goal. It isn't really an end goal. It's art in motion. I like being a part of that. And no where do you have the opportunity to be more present than in theatre. Well not true, you can be present every second of your life. But when you are making kids breakfast or working on taxes you kind of just getting through the activity.
I know I have to give myself the wings to fly. And that brings me to the next thing I have been challenged with-the overwhelming amount of classes being offered! So Yes I am continuing to prepare for my auditions, and also I can't tell you what I'll be doing or where I will be in August. Or July, June or May haha!
But it would probably be a good idea if I take a moment to write out what my life would ideally look like then:
-I have residual income online
-My Youtube Channel is thriving
-I live somewhere near a beach
-I am getting paid a very high income to perform in a show everyday with a cast I love
Alright that should do it.
BEING PRODUCTIVE VS. RESTING
I don't get it! Yesterday I did two yoga classes on Youtube, Ballet on Instagram, sang for like 4 hours, and learned another hip hop dance on instagram at night. Today after my singing lesson and teaching two students, I saw the Rockettes just posted a dance video but I was so tired. I couldn't do it. I could, but I am trying to do this thing called listening and allowing myself to rest.
All I ever wanted was to do the right thing. If that is resting, I want to rest. If that is practicing, I want to practice. If someone could come down and tell me "Hey Annie, this is one of those times you just need to push through" or "Hey Annie, this is one of those times where you gonna face burnout if you keep going. Chill". But no one can tell me that but me. I have gone through extreme phases of both. It's just hard because it is my innate nature to want to take advantage of free time, I am even learning Spanish online during this time. But I want to dance, and I have been! I am tired right now though so I opted for writing a blog post. Which was another thing I wanted to do during Quarantine so I can't get too mad at myself.
How much is too much? I have already accepted I was on team hustle when I was in Jr High- I adopted the mindset of "outwork everyone" but it never felt like that. I wanted to keep singing or dancing. But I want to have longevity too. What is more important is how focused I am when I am practicing. That will get me more results than 70% effort for longer hours.
I already feel so accomplished by 10 AM, that is probably why I am tired. I'm done with journaling, meditating, and at least two yoga videos by 9 AM. I cook healthy food. I dance. I am learning Pahelbel's Cannon on the piano.
It's a nice day outside too and of course I feel guilty if I am not outside. What to do? Well at least I know if I draw near unto Christ, he will draw near unto me. That is all I can really do right now.
Here's the crux of what motivated this post. It's the agitation that arises when I take a voice lesson and the teacher spends more time talking then letting me sing. I message every singer I can find on Disneyland as if they will give me the secret ingredient for making it. "What style of song should I sing? What genre should I work on? What do they look for?" There isn't an answer. Yeah maybe they will say pop/belt. But I am looking for some answer that nobody is going to give me. I'm just like crazy for someone to tell me what to do to start getting more noticed in auditions. I really know I have what it takes to thrive as a lead role in a professional show, and I am willing to accept that responsibility.
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